I’m insecure. Less than I used to be, more than I want to be…but still, I’m insecure. The littlest recognition and I’m flying. Which is great. But, the littlest perceived slight and I’m falling. Not so great. You know who I hate (read: envy like crazy)? Even keel people. People whose mood and worth aren’t based on others. What others think. What others feel. What others do. What others say.
I want everyone to like me, and it’s so easy for me to think no one does. Especially since not only do I want everyone to like me, I want everyone to like me best. I want to be the favorite. I want to win.
And what if I don’t win? I punish myself. I pretend that it’s other people punishing me. Or that I’m punishing them. Really, the only one inflicting and suffering is me.
So, I need to continue to shift my need for bestowed worth (which can disappear so easily) to self-worth (which I can dole out whenever levels wane). However, this will only help if I’m not stingy with myself. Gotta leave being Scrooge to Dickens and ducks.