A week ago I was on the beach attending a retreat. It was the end of a week of yoga, meditation, walking, healthy food, massages, working out, bare feet, sharing, honesty, acceptance, sleep, tequila, playing in the waves, and being around inspiring people.

I had this planned for about a year and it came at the perfect time. (Well, it would have been more perfect if it had come a week earlier before I pissed off someone I care about, but that’s another story for another time.) I was disappointed in myself. I felt stupid. I had made dumb choices when I knew better. I relearned lessons…again. I was desperate to not have been so damn foolish. I needed a retreat. I needed TO retreat. I waved the white flag at my life and my crazy mind then threw some bikinis, my “ No Shoes Nation” cap, and my yoga mat in a bag and got on a plane.

It did the trick. I headed home ready to take on the world…and my mind. A scratched, itchy toe my only ailment.

But by the time I got back to reality I had started biting my nails, my scalp itched from stress-induced psoriasis, and I had a desire to binge. My self-punishing coping mechanisms were still intact.

I thought I needed to just rest my sore had-been-walking-on-sand ankle. But it still bothers me more than a week later.

The next morning I couldn’t bite down because my jaw hurt from grinding my teeth.

By that evening I felt bursitis pain.

A couple of days later the sore throat and runny nose began.

Then the cough and congestion.

Followed by a rash.

Within a day my mind had reverted. So within a week my whole body was revolting.

It was quite quickly obvious I need to change my life and myself. But moving to Mexico and living in a rustic casita while someone makes me gourmet food and I walk on the beach isn’t a realistic option right now.

I gave myself a day of rest. Which became a forced week of what felt like punishment. I hear myself loud and clear. (I mean I DO tend to go over the top in my efforts to be understood by others. I guess I’m the same when it’s just me listening.) So now I am figuring out how to have that beach brain and body–I’m not referring to one that looks “good” in a bikini–no matter the weather nor surroundings. And how to change where I am and what I do to rise so my body doesn’t revolt.


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