How do you deal with stress? Drink? Meditate? Hit things? Run? Let your blood pressure skyrocket? Laugh it off?

My old tried and true coping mechanism? Binging and purging. Add in a bit of starvation every once in a while just for fun.

I’ve struggled with an eating disorder for thirty years. Off and on. I’ve gone months (many, many months sometimes) without the urge. I think I’ve got it beat. Then there is stress. And doubt. And self-hatred. Followed by vast amount of chips and cookies. Or cream cheese. Or crackers. Whatever I can stuff into my mouth. (And begins with a “C”obviously.) Unless I don’t have any junk food available and my agoraphobic tendencies have kicked it too. Then my punishment is to be sent to bed without any supper. Or breakfast. Or lunch.

And that self-hatred I mentioned before? It’s now in spades. So…you know, vicious circle.

Which takes a lot to break. Time, focus, humility, willpower, therapy, backsliding, acceptance, courage, help.

Until the next time. Since there will probably be a next time. But there will be another vicious circle broken too. Because that self-hatred component? I keep batting it down.