Regress

Posted on April 4, 2012 by Lissa

New place. New time. New person.

Then I go back to an old place. And act like old times. Only to become the person I was.

Which is most definitely not the person I want to be. Hence the hard work to become the person I am…or the person I think I am. But if the old me emerges so quickly, have I really changed? Or is the new and improved version a facade?

Is it a common experience to act like a child–and be treated like one–when returning to our parents’ home? How about immediately reverting to old roles when we are around people with whom we grew up? When you are reminded of a person who hurt you, do you relive the discomfort and have the same reaction?

No matter my best intentions, when I spend time in a situation where I went through difficulties the negative emotions come flooding back…followed by the negative actions.

Can I really change me? Or do I need to change places?

Maybe I just need to eat an entire bag of chips and tell myself how horrible I am. Oh wait, never mind, that’s just the old me talking.

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Anger

Posted on March 13, 2012 by Lissa

I used to think lack of self-confidence held me back. Yeah, maybe sometimes. But what is really detrimental to my forward movement is anger.

I just wrote about being sick and my body trying to tell me something. An amazing friend checked on me and asked if I was familiar with Louise Hay and her books about emotional causes of physical symptoms.  I have read Hay and do buy into her theory, overall. (Of course I hadn’t thought about it EVEN THOUGH I HAD JUST WRITTEN ABOUT LISTENING TO MY BODY. Duh!) According to Hay, fever is related to anger. Her new thought pattern to lessen the anger (and fever) is, “I am the cool, calm expression of peace and love.”

Well, no wonder I’m feverish.  I am most certainly not cool, nor calm. Expression of peace and love? Not so much. You know what I am? Angry. Or at least some variation of it. Frustrated. Annoyed. Irritated. Upset. Pissed the hell off.

I also recently posted about my past, and how it stops me from moving ahead. Part of that is–you guessed it–my anger. I have been holding onto anger towards someone (well, someones). But you know at whom I’m really angry? Ding, ding, ding! Myself. Angry about my choices. Angry about my gullibility. Angry about my mistakes. Angry about my stupidity. I think I want to hurt the other people I’m angry with. But I really only hurt myself.

So, dear person who pissed me off, I wish you peace and love. And dear me, I wish you peace and love too. (I hope that cools me off.)

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Bodymind

Posted on March 12, 2012 by Lissa

How often do you really listen to your body? Do you ignore it when it tells you not to get in that elevator, stop eating, or take a rest? Personally, I ignore mine often. I believe if I listened to it I would be much better off, but I’m stubborn. No one is going to tell me what to do…even me.

I’ve been in a place (physical and emotional) I thought I wanted to be. A place I thought I was supposed to be. And I keep getting sick. I haven’t been able to enjoy it like I planned. My body figured out before me that I don’t want to be here. I’m not supposed to be here. When I was sick and feverish I just wanted to be comfortable. And I realized it wasn’t going to happen here. I belong somewhere else. A place where I am surprisingly comfortable.

My body also shows how I’m feeling. I can eat perfectly and workout like crazy, but not lose an ounce if I’m depressed. I get happy and the numbers on the scale drop no matter what. My body and mind tend to follow each other’s lead.

Now if only they will lead me home.

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Insecure

Posted on February 9, 2012 by Lissa

I’m insecure. Less than I used to be, more than I want to be…but still, I’m insecure. The littlest recognition and I’m flying. Which is great.  But, the littlest perceived slight and I’m falling. Not so great. You know who I hate (read: envy like crazy)? Even keel people. People whose mood and worth aren’t based on others. What others think. What others feel. What others do. What others say.

I want everyone to like me, and it’s so easy for me to think no one does. Especially since not only do I want everyone to like me, I want everyone to like me best. I want to be the favorite. I want to win.

And what if I don’t win? I punish myself. I pretend that it’s other people punishing me. Or that I’m punishing them. Really, the only one inflicting and suffering is me.

So, I need to continue to shift my need for bestowed worth (which can disappear so easily) to self-worth (which I can dole out whenever levels wane). However, this will only help if I’m not stingy with myself. Gotta leave being Scrooge to Dickens and ducks.

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Past

Posted on February 2, 2012 by Lissa

I have an amazing future and a pretty good present, so why am I worried/concerned/frustrated/self-conscious/giving a fuck at all about my past? I have spent so much time and effort building my self-esteem and moving toward the life I want. But I am embarrassed by the person I was and the life I had. Besides using my past to learn lessons, why do I care about it at all? I let reminders of it shake me and my confidence. Doubt creeps in and I forget the most important thing: who I am now.

Rather than continuing to move ahead, I sometimes slip back into the past. This can actually propel me in the right direction. But only if I don’t dwell there. Instead, I need to recognize what lesson I still have to learn, and then keep moving forward.

“Up and at ’em, Atom Ant!”

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Silence

Posted on January 1, 2012 by Lissa

I recently realized how little silence I have in my life. Or rather, how little silence I ALLOW in my life. I almost always have the radio, TV, or iTunes on. I’m often alone, so maybe this is a way to feel like I’m surrounded by other people. Or, it could be a way to stop my thoughts, which tend to run rampant when my mind is not distracted.

I have actually gone on walks in the woods while plugged into my iPod. Seriously, I block out the leaves rustling, birds singing, and waves lapping with talking and singing. As I write this, I sit in peace and quiet, right? Nope, I’m hitting repeat before the last note of the song I’m listening to plays.

Some of my favorite moments have been sitting in silence with another person. Not uncomfortable silence, but rather the kind that makes you realize you have reached a point in your relationship where you can just be with the other person instead of filling the time with noise.

Why can’t I find that comfortable silence with myself?

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Uncensored

Posted on December 15, 2011 by Lissa

I’ve made a resolution. Yeah I know, I’m early, it’s still December. I actually made it a few months ago and it applied to a specific situation. The resolution? To be me. Not the version of me I thought someone wanted. The real me. The complete me. The uncensored me.

I’ve decided to carry this over to the rest of my life. No censoring. If I feel the impulse to say, write, or send something I am going do it. I used to write and delete all the time. Now I write, delete, rewrite the same thing and hit the enter key. I still have second thoughts about most everything I say and do. No one said this was going to be easy.

So, how has it worked out? Even with all the continued second guessing, my confidence level has been raised. I’ve spent more time with friends, and become closer to people. I’m trying new things and putting myself out there in new ways, while wasting less time dealing with people and things that just aren’t worth it. My behavior has changed in other ways too. All those things I’ve wanted to do? I’m doing them.

So, what’s in it for you? Well, there won’t be any surprises from me. What you see is what you get. Like me now? Then we’re set. I’m not going to shed a mask and reveal the real me in the future. Don’t like me now? Then we’re set. You won’t waste your time, only to be disappointed later on.

Although, I do have to say that when I see a typo in something I’ve sent or posted, I have doubts about this whole thing.

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Expectations

Posted on December 6, 2011 by Lissa

I have great expectations. Which are–sometimes–not great things to have. We need to have expectations, plans, hopes, and dreams so we have something to believe in and work towards. And how can amazing things happen if we expect the worse instead of the best? So good expectations are good things.

But you know what comes with expectations? Disappointments. Not quites.  Losses. Hurts. Never gonna happens. Failures. So closes. Heartbreaks.  Almosts.

How do we walk that line between dreaming about what we want and not getting our hopes up? Is it worth it to not have any expectations so we don’t have the pain that sometimes goes hand in hand? But then, will we be able to get what we want?

Let’s see what the experts have to say:

“You were born to win, but to be a winner, you must plan to win, prepare to win, and expect to win.”
-Zig Ziglar

“Anger always comes from frustrated expectations.”
-Elliott Larson

“I can’t imagine going on when there are no more expectations.”
-Edith Evans

“Oft expectation fails, and most oft where most it promises; and oft it hits where hope is coldest; and despair most sits.”
-William Shakespeare

“If you paint in your mind a picture of bright and happy expectations, you put yourself into a condition conducive to your goal.”
-Norman Vincent Peale

“I am open to the guidance of synchronicity, and do not let expectations hinder my path.”
-Dalai Lama

“High achievement always takes place in the framework of high expectation.”
-Charles F. Kettering

“Our desires always disappoint us; for though we meet with something that gives us satisfaction, yet it never thoroughly answers our expectation.”
-Elbert Hubbard

“To expect defeat is nine-tenths of defeat itself.”
-Henry Louis Mencken

“Life is so constructed, that the event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation.”
-Charlotte Bronte

Come on, people, which is it?! Will having great expectations make or break me?

Whatever. Just as long as I don’t end up like Miss Havisham.

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Food

Posted on December 4, 2011 by Lissa

I made a loaf of bread the other night…and didn’t eat the whole thing. This may not sound like a big deal but, unfortunately, it is.

I have issues with food. I might as well have just said, “I’m an American woman.” It seems like the latter statement pretty much means the former.

I’ve been thin and I’ve been thick (although I’m much more familiar with the second one). My issues with food actually came before the thickness. I remember in third grade ditching my sandwiches and bringing lunches I packed. Wheat Thins and Velamints. I added up the total calories to reach 100. It must have seemed like a nice round yet skinny number. (The Velamints were chocolate and like 11 calories each–a perfect dessert.) In my mind I was already fat by that point. Looking back at photos, I now see I wasn’t even close–but this type of deprivation would change that. By the time the school day ended, I was starving and shoved as many Little Debbies as I could into my mouth, until my friend’s mom gave me dirty looks for eating all their after school snacks.

So, I turned a healthy child into a fat preteen into a teenager with an eating disorder. Now, I’m an adult who’s still paying for what I’ve done to my body…and my self-esteem.

But that’s the thing, I’m paying for it. I AM paying for it. It’s worth it to get stronger…in every way. And I am stronger than I have ever been, not just physically, but emotionally too. “What does not kill me…”

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Muse

Posted on November 28, 2011 by Lissa

I’ve always been fond of artistic people. They’re usually smart, creative, quirky, and interesting. But that’s not really why I’m into them. Truth? I want to be someone’s muse. And become a character in a book, lyric in a song, painting on a wall, or photograph in a portfolio.

I had a boyfriend who would paint on my body and then photograph it. I totally supported him in his art. Not for his sake, but rather for mine. I wanted to be a photo hanging in a gallery. With people admiring it…I mean me.

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), I am obviously not museum quality.

So I asked myself,  “Why can’t I be my own muse?” I may not be an artist, but I am smart, creative, quirky, and interesting. Then I realized I AM my own muse. I’m the muse for every single one of these blog entries. (Well, except for when it’s Taylor Swift instead.)

But still, if there are any cute artist types out there…call me!

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