Slut

Posted on August 27, 2013 by Lissa

Am I a slut?

Yes, according to Rush Limbaugh, who wants me to video tape myself having sex so he can watch since, as he sees it, he pays for my birth control.

Yes, according to a friend in high school who, after I (while crying and upset) told her I had lost my virginity and asked if I was a slut, looked up the definition in the dictionary and told me I was.

Yes, according to the Internet, as I found out yesterday.

Guess what, guys, if you call Miley Cyrus a slut, you call me a slut. I may not have done it on a stage while being televised, but I have danced like her—not as well as her, but like her. Shaking, thrusting, touching, grinding. If you are going to call a twenty-year-old girl a whore, or classless, or disgusting, or pathetic; then what are you going to call a forty-one-year-old woman?

I had one night stands. I had sex just for the pleasure of it…and for even lesser reasons. I cheated in a relationship. I had unprotected sex. I’ve used birth control. I had a fuck buddy. I had sex while drunk. Some would consider me a slut now since I regularly have sex with someone to whom I am not legally married–or because I have sex at all. I am or have been a slut by many definitions (although I do prefer this one:  a saucy girl).

I asked, in response to a comment on Facebook, “And what exactly is wrong with going through a slutty phase?” I did not receive an answer. I don’t think there is one, besides, “Nothing.”

I am a sexual being. Miley Cyrus is a sexual being. You are a sexual being. I am sorry if we don’t show it in the same way you do. Well, actually, I’m not sorry. If you don’t like how someone is expressing their sexuality, then don’t watch/read/listen to/have sex with them. Don’t slut shame us. Because, honestly, it won’t work. I don’t think that acknowledging or expressing our sexuality is shameful. If you think it is, fuck you (not literally; I’m currently monogamous).

So let’s stop slut shaming a young woman–let’s stop slut shaming all women–and start real shaming the government of Syria.

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Depression/Unhappiness

Posted on June 14, 2013 by Lissa

Lately I have been depressed and unhappy. Yep, they are different things. Sometimes related, sure, but still separate. My depression may ride on the coattails of unhappiness often, but I can be unhappy without being depressed. Right now, though, it’s a double whammy.

For me depression has been a lifelong struggle–that’s not hyperbole–and usually manifests in some combo with anxiety. Depression, anxiety, stress, fear, grief, unhappiness, self-harm, eating disorders, obsessive thinking, compulsive behaviors, and self-hate all like to hang out together. A couple show up, for whatever reason, and then more follow. But lessening one can lessen the others. The problem? Who has the energy and confidence to do that when they are depressed?!

Now my unhappiness, where does that come from? Currently, frustration with myself, disappointment in others, unfulfilled wishes, and evaporated plans. But what really has me unhappy now is that I shouldn’t be unhappy. I mean, what do I have to be unhappy about? I have friends who have serious shit to be unhappy about, and I feel like a big, bratty baby when I think about their hardships compared to mine. Yes, things didn’t turn out as I hoped. Yes, people have hurt me. Yes, relationships are faltering. Yes, I have failed. But, seriously, I still have my health, friends, family, second chances, and–most importantly–myself. Knowing this makes me feel guilty for being unhappy. I’m here and able to feel unhappy, and I should be happy about that.

So, I focus on the happy. Which will lessen the unhappiness. And in turn allow the depression to hit the road. Or at least that’s the plan.

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Quit

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Lissa

When do you give up without being a big, fat, whiny quitter? Ever? After everyone else? Once you are beat to a (maybe just figurative) bloody pulp? Never?

How much can/should you take? What if the miracle would have happened on the next try, except you walk away instead? But what if you keep trying and it never, ever is gonna happen? What if you miss out on the right thing because you are wasting time with the wrong thing?

How about staying with something/one/place because, although it isn’t right, it’s known, which is less scary than the unknown. That can’t possibly make you a better person than giving up, right?

You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em. But how do you know?!

http://youtu.be/Jj4nJ1YEAp4

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Learned

Posted on December 3, 2012 by Lissa

All I really need to know I learned in Justin Bieber songs and Jason Segel movies. Seriously.

My latest mantra comes courtesy of The Five-Year Engagement: “There is no right cookie, you just pick one and take a bite!” Before that, I found wisdom in a line from “As Long as You Love Me:” “But the grass ain’t always greener on the other side. It’s green where you water it.”

There is no perfect person. I think we’ve all learned this. But I have also learned there is no person perfect for me. Or you. Or anyone.

I don’t mean that we are doomed to be alone or unhappy. I think that there are many people with whom each of us could be happy.

I used to tell my ex-husband that he may not be perfect but he was perfect for me. Um, did you catch that “ex” part? Yeah, I was naive. Could we have made it work? And been happy? I think so. If we had lowered some expectations and raised some responsibility. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have another happy relationship. Like I said, I think there are a bunch of people with whom I could have that.

So, here’s what I have learned: find a decent person with whom you share genuine affection. Make sure your views on sex, money, and family line up. Do all you can to be and stay with them. And…that’s pretty much it.

When we talk about someone’s “love of their life,” I don’t think we mean they have found their soul mate. I think we mean they have chosen to love that person for life…and done what they needed to make that happen.

To a certain cute boy, thank you for taking a bite of me.

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Important

Posted on August 27, 2012 by Lissa

What is most important to you? The most important thing in your life? In your job? In your relationship? In yourself?

Sometimes that oh so important thing becomes overshadowed by all our other wants. Musts. Have tos. Supposed tos. Shoulds. Coulds. Woulds.

Then we lose it. Or almost lose it. Or think we might lose it. And we realize that IT is the important thing. That person. That feeling. That value. That opportunity. That…thing.

Nothing else really matters.

I recently lost/almost lost/thought I lost it. I kept my pride. I stayed strong. And realized I don’t really care about pride and strength. The good thing is, what really matters–what’s important–became clear. And the clarity didn’t come too late. Luckily.

Figure out what’s really important. Remember it. Don’t let it become overshadowed. Make sure you don’t lose it. You won’t care about what is left when it is gone.

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Disorder

Posted on May 26, 2012 by Lissa

How do you deal with stress? Drink? Meditate? Hit things? Run? Let your blood pressure skyrocket? Laugh it off?

My old tried and true coping mechanism? Binging and purging. Add in a bit of starvation every once in a while just for fun.

I’ve struggled with an eating disorder for thirty years. Off and on. I’ve gone months (many, many months sometimes) without the urge. I think I’ve got it beat. Then there is stress. And doubt. And self-hatred. Followed by vast amount of chips and cookies. Or cream cheese. Or crackers. Whatever I can stuff into my mouth. (And begins with a “C”obviously.) Unless I don’t have any junk food available and my agoraphobic tendencies have kicked it too. Then my punishment is to be sent to bed without any supper. Or breakfast. Or lunch.

And that self-hatred I mentioned before? It’s now in spades. So…you know, vicious circle.

Which takes a lot to break. Time, focus, humility, willpower, therapy, backsliding, acceptance, courage, help.

Until the next time. Since there will probably be a next time. But there will be another vicious circle broken too. Because that self-hatred component? I keep batting it down.

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Love

Posted on May 24, 2012 by Lissa

I fall fast. And I fall hard. I am certain. Then I doubt.

I lose faith in my feelings. I don’t believe that someone else could truly love me. I wonder if I’m forcing something that isn’t real. I guess how long it will be before I get my heart broken. I question if (when?) I’ll sabotage something good.

And that’s all if the object of my affection gives affection back.

I guess it all boils down to this: what is love anyway? What’s the difference between “love” and “in love?” Is there something specific that causes us to fall in love? Can it be instant, like love at first sight? Will it sneak up and surprise you after awhile? Does it happen differently for other people? How do you KNOW when it’s real? And even if it is real, is it worth it?

I do believe that last question, my friends, deserves it’s own post…someday.

(I hope it’s not.)

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Happiness

Posted on May 23, 2012 by Lissa

A while ago I tweeted, “I think I may be too happy. I can’t think of anything to blog about.” To which my friend Adam replied, “Happiness writes white.” Which is a version of a quote that has been attributed to Henry de Montherlant. It’s also damn true.

When I’m angry or sad, the words usually come easy. I know how to express myself appropriately…and I sure can also yell and put down with the best of them. Plus, you should see my “angry look.” But when I’m happy? You may see it on my face, but I probably won’t verbalize it. What is there to say? I’m happy. There isn’t a litany of complaints to provide. Just, I’m happy. And who walks around saying things like that? They’d get smacked. Or locked up.

But what if I told you I was happy? Would you be envious? Or inspired? Would you realize how happy you are too? And be willing to admit it? Would we start a trend? Will others join us?

Pssst! I’m happy!

Now the key is to stay happy.

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Change

Posted on April 15, 2012 by Lissa

Sensitive. Needy. Envious. Honest. Insecure. Empathetic. Doubting. Jealous. Outspoken. Emotional. Self-conscious. Passionate.

Yep, that’s me. Wait. Stop. Go put a “too” in front of all those words. Now do you see the problem?

All those “toos” mean I get hurt…a lot. So, I want to change. I’ve worked to change. I put myself in situations where I have to change. I spend time with people who help me change. But how much is enough?

I want to be me. To do that, I need to manage the hurt so I’m still willing to show my true self. But I can’t also transform the core of who I am and become someone I’m not. How do I find this happy medium? There has to be a way to become more what I want to be while still keeping the parts that I like.

Also, those situations I put myself in? I need to figure out how long to stay in them, or how to adapt them so they strengthen instead of demolish me. And those people who help me? I need to keep those relationships healthy and honest.

I want to become the perfect me. ‘Cause I think I’ll really like her.

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Doubt

Posted on April 8, 2012 by Lissa

I think. I hope. I know. I absolutely, positively know for sure. Ohmygod, I am just crazy, because this is totally wrong and not ever going to happen.

How can I go from completely sure to no way José in seconds? Sometimes doubt doesn’t creep in, but rather rushes in like a linebacker. (Is that right? Do linebackers rush or only block? Should I change it to just football player…or something else entirely? Oh, forget it. Um, go Bears!)

When I am overcome by doubt, how do I know if it’s just fake fear or real caution? Is my brain trying to tell me something or just denying me a good thing? When I doubt something or someone, am I really just doubting myself? Maybe it’s just that I don’t have confidence in my feelings and decisions. Nor in my deservedness.

OK, brain, here’s the deal, only doubt things when they are bad for me. Or someone else. (Well, like really, really bad for someone else. If it’s good for me and just a little bad for someone else, fuck ’em.) Otherwise,  just let me have faith and trust. If the first guess works, don’t bother having a second one. Get it? Got it. Good!

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